there is something about mornings that makes long nights and restless sleeps fade. there is this something that takes the stress of yesterday and buries it somewhere in our minds just out of reach. sometimes it’s only for a moment, but in the morning there is that moment we awake and ever so briefly there is a quiet peace. i’m not much of morning person. i prefer staying up late, watching some bound to give you nightmares tv show, or writing, or making use of my netflix account. i prefer dinner at 9pm and bedtime much later. i would rather sleep in until my body decides it’s time to awake and start my day then.
but, my morning routine has recently changed. not because my life changed or my job changed, but just because i needed a change. i used to sleep til 8 or 830 in the morning, get up and get ready. my husband would already be gone, had already walked our dog, ate, and began his work day. i felt like i was missing something. there were these perfectly useful moments, this untouched time i was neglecting. but i kept telling myself, “you don’t like mornings”, “just stay up late, be productive then” but the thing was i wasn’t really being productive. at times i was. in fact a large chunk of the first draft of Silence & Noise took place during late night writing escapades. but that wasn’t the norm. the norm was more like numb my mind with tv because i don’t feel like sleeping right now. then norm was less productive than i’d like to believe.
so i made a change. i started waking up with my husband. it was hard at first. actually i decided i wanted to try waking up with him for a whole week, but i didn’t tell him because i figured if i kept it to myself i could change my mind at the last minute when his alarm went off way too early. why would anyone want to get out of bed when it’s still dark outside? so the first two days of my experiment ended up with me still in bed asleep. day three was when it all began. i had told myself so many times i can’t wake up that early, i just can’t i need sleep. and yes i do need sleep, but i realized if i went to sleep a little earlier then i could wake up a little earlier and it all sort of balanced itself out. what i realized after the first couple days was my body started to get used to the changes i was making and instead of fighting me it went along with my decisions. my mind on the other hand kept feeding me doubts and screaming profanities at me as the alarm sung me out of bed each morning.
i found in these moments, this time that i had never experienced on a consistent basis before, that the morning is different that early. even just a few hours later when i used to awake, there was still that sense of urgency, that rush, the stress of the new day already sinking in. but early, when the sun is only beginning to creep through my bedroom window, when the fog is still lingering on the damp grass, there are these quiet moments. there is a peace. i forget the deadlines from the day before, i forget the stupid argument i thought was a good idea to have as i was climbing into bed, i forget tears, or regrets, or anger, or sadness. i get dressed and i join my husband and my dog on a walk and i shut off my mind and remind myself that my day hasn’t even begun, that i still have time. and somehow only a couple more hours has added what seems like a lifetime to my day.
i don’t know how long i will keep this up. it has been almost two weeks of early mornings. but i am enjoying that little bit of peace and clarity that comes from those moments.